TURN off the tv. stop looking online, put down the newspaper? ALL advice people have given to one another about how to avoid the horror that struck our country, NEW ENGLAND at that. Really? If we pretend it did not happen it does not ease the pain of the victims families, it does not bring back the victims. Just because we are not in the same town does not mean we can pretend it did not happen and can pretend that a devastating event did not happen in a small town only a few states away. That peoples lives, CHILDRENS lives were taken. The fact that someone would walk into a school with the thought of hurting kids on his mind terrifies me. I am sad for the adults, In my eyes they are heroes. They were not fearing for their own safety they were fearing for the safety of the children. The term innocent victims does not even hit close enough to what these children were? Innocent. Yes. Also, tiny, helpless, carefree. They never thought that getting in the morning and sitting in the same classroom that they have been for months, would end any other way that day then having them home safely with their parents by dinner time. The thought of anything other then that never went through the minds, of the parents or teachers either. Of anyone that sent their child to school that day.

My heart breaks for the victims who lost their lives and for the victims that survived this at of evil. Their lives will forever be changed again. How do you convince a child that they are safe in their school? How do you convince yourself?

As much as I want to honor the victims, seeing this all over the news terrifies me. I fear that there is someone else out there teetering on the bridge of insanity that will see this. Look that at the shooter and see the publicity, the people asking why and the story on every news channel in the nation and so how think they would like to do this as well. To carry on a name for themselves. EVIL. Unfortunately their are others out there who are just as EVIL.

The thought of sending my six year old back to school this morning is frightening. Is anyone safe anymore? We knew the malls, movie theaters, colleges, and high schools have been attacked in the past. ADD 20 innocent first graders to that list and the answer is no. No one is 100% safe anymore.

As the parents and families lay their fallen family members to rest this week. I pray. My heart breaks for them during a season that is suppose to be joyous and full of family and traditions. Christmas will never be the same for them again. I am sitting here 3 states away and I am unsure it will ever be the same for me.

My heart and prayers are with all of those effected by this tragic and senseless act. =(

The holiday season is among us....

Well here we are. MY FAV time of year. It is full of busy crazy organized and unorganized chaos. Much like my life. So its the last week of November and my baby is only days a way from turning 4? Eeek where has that time gone. I know it will be an emotional day for me. Much like his birth. I watch him every day with awe and amazement. However I will save that blog for after this birthday when I can update on the event.

Christmas season is here. It immediately follows Thanksgiving and Williams birthday. I am ready for it this year. If anything I have learned lately to appreciate the simple things. To grasp every single day and make the most of it. Dance in the rain. Sing when you do not know the words. Hug those who need a hug and those who do not think they do. Enjoy life. It can change in the biink of an eye. We all myself included spend too much time being petty. Dwelling on little things and stressing over unimportant things.

This season I am going to get all the decorations out. I am going to blast the music on Sunday and set the house up for Christmas. I am going to get the kids involved and spend the next few weeks getting them pyched for Christmas. This of course is assuming they all are able to get themselves off the naughty list... =)

Halloween ends and the "holiday season begins"

I did not get into Halloween this year as much as years in the past. I did not throw a party or really decorate the house that much. It came upon us all too fast this year. I let the boys choose a costume from our costume bin because everything they wanted to be this year we already owned. I let them pick from the bin and then I added pieces as needed. Dylan was up in the air about whether or not 12 year old kids dressed up. i assured him he did but he did not believe me. He found himself sitting, sulking at his grams house at 5pm after a day at school taught him that most of them were dressing up because lets face it. EVERYONE like free candy. His gram came to the rescue and threw him together a last minute costume. Mason was afraid of and and cried. Will decided to nickname Dylan :GORILLA BREATH: all night in the back seat due to the Gorilla costume and perhaps Dylans breath. So you can just imagine what a joy the three of them were stuck in the back seat together. All across one row with Dylan sitting in between the two little ones. Mason crying because Dylan as scarring him, Will complaining of Gorilla breath and Dylan asking for the millionth time why we did not have a third row back seat so he did not have to "deal with them" I assured him that if he got out and walked he would not have to deal with them. He did stop complaining for a few minutes.

I officially call the day after Halloween the HOLIDAY season. The stores that have not already put out Christmas displays will start to do so. A christmas song will be found on the radio every once in awhile while scanning the stations in the car. The kids will start to point while SCREAMING " I WANT THAT FOR CHRISTMAS" during every other toy commercial. =)

I use to be a good mom and grab a pen and jot down all the wants and compile lists with each kids names written across the top of the paper with stars near the ones they wanted most. Honestly now when the yelling starts during a commercial I say. "oh maybe" sometimes with out glancing up. I do however try to take a mental note to google it later and decide if it is really practical or something that will get played with at all. With three boys we have gotten pretty much every
"boy toy" known to man over the years. Some of them are big hits, but some of them make their way into the closet after a week to never be heard from again. Reminds me of toy story. The unwanted sitting on the top shelf waiting to be played with someday. I also am making a mental note to NOT buy gifts that are going to be connected to the box with 4 thousand twisty plastic things that take 4 hours per leg of the super hero to get off. Mean while the child waiting for the gift is jumping up and down at this point with impatience. seriously, I think we spend hours undoing all those little twisty tie things.

All kidding aside I LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays. My favorite time a year. I plan on completely getting into them this year. =) we do not have a lot of years left with them all being young and loving Christmas. This year the little two are beyond excited for Christmas and the oldest ....well he loves it because he likes us to buy him expensive over prices electronics that he is just going to lose or leave some place anyway =)

William

Joining the coffee drinkers club...

I have spend the last 2 month trying to LOVE coffee. It is really all you hear about on facebook and such. "No amount coffee could save this day" OR " I need an IV coffee drip" Ect. So I decided I really needed to join the CCDC. AKA COOL COFFEE DRINKERS CLUB. I have really been a major fail at it. I have tried MANY kinds and can even pull off the ICE coffee, flavored of course. However the nice warm HOT cup of coffee that so much of Americans enjoy on a daily basis I just can not get my taste buds to enjoy.
There are some I can tolerate and even finish but not loving it thus far. HOWEVER I do think I enjoy creamers, and why would I not fall in love with the fattiest part of coffee. Honestly the day I thought I had really found my favorite coffee I realized I had added creamer twice. So basically I drank half a cup of coffee with half a cup of creamer.

So here I sit trying yet another drop of flavored creamer that I bought yesterday in my coffee. So far its just okay at best. If I added a drop of coffee in my creamer I am sure I would be in love. I guess coffee is just NOT going to be for me. I guess I better find another beverage of choice to get me through my day. Hey its five o'clock somewhere........... Kidding................ =)

Daddy moments.....

I am always home in the mornings to get the boys off to school. I am the one to choose the youngest boys clothes right down to the matching socks. I have always been one to want everything to match. I have certain things I just think go together and other things that do not stand a chance. Josh is the exact opposite of me. As long as they have clothes on he really does not care about any more details then that. Clearly I found out today he does not even notice if its not their own clothes that they are wearing......

I left early this morning, before leaving I laid the boys clothes out. One on the recliner and the other on the love seat. Perhaps labeling whose was whose would of been a great idea. Of course who in their right mind would of thought that. Laying them out was my way of avoiding Josh telling Mason to go get dressed for school and Mason coming out in the craziest non matching outfit he could find.

Josh dropped the boys off to me where I was. Mason had exactly 2 minutes to get in the car with my mom to go to school. He stepped out of Josh's car and I had to blink and rub my eyes TWICE to see if I was looking correctly. I WAS ... Mason was wearing Williams clothes. So my almost size 6 first grader was crammed into his little brothers 3t Jeans and shirt. I was mortified. I had No time to go back home to find the correct clothes, Mason needed to be at school and I had to finish what I was doing. When I asked Josh how he made such a mistake he simply said, you said Mason's clothes were in the recliner? These were the clothes in the recliner????? YEP you guessed it William was wearing Mason's hoodie and shirt...........not jeans though. His father saw him in those and could not even begin to imagine why I had laid him out Jeans 2 sizes to big for him. RIGHT .. those were for Mason. YES I admit the moment I was done my prior commitment I went to the school, new matching clothes in hand and had Mason change. HAPPY FRIDAY

Looking back.... and ahead

Josh and I decided to take the kids to Moose Head Lake on Saturday. It is about a 6 hour round trip car ride for us. We decided to do it all in one day. Josh's grandfather owns a camp up that way and Josh has always wanted to show the boys. Josh's grandfather passed away when Mason was a baby and William although never had the honor to meet him carries on his name.

So we got up early loaded the car and ventured off on our long journey. As we arrived closer to our destination I thought about the last time I took the drive this way. It was over 7 years earlier for Josh and My honeymoon. I glanced in the back seat at the three kids arguing in the back and realized just how different our lives were today then they were when our own personal journey had begun what seemed like forever ago.

We spent the day (when not in the car) going to different places that were special to Josh. The boys really seemed to enjoy seeing the camp and going through a few stores. They seemed to enjoy fighting, and taking turns on who could whine the most in the car as well.

For me it was a day of reflection and memories. When Josh and I took the drive all those years before. We were alone in the car. We only had one child at home. We had only been married for 24 hours or less. We were pretty sure we had our future figured out and planned. We talked about what we would name our babies and all the other fun things the future held for us. We have def. had a great 7.5 years, however looking back it is interesting to me that we did not see the problems, struggles, or heartache that may lie ahead for us. We have built a family along the way as well as turned our house into a home. We have learned more about love, and sadly we have learned more about loss. I would like to say Looking back I would not change a thing, but I have never been one for that expression. Of course there are things I would change, or avoid. Words I would think longer and harder about before saying. I would strive to be a better wife and mother. However we can not go back, only ahead.

As I held the same hand tightly that I had held on the very same drive 7.5 years before I realized that if we were to take this same drive in another 7 years I would be having the same thoughts. I will have learned more about love and loss by then. I will have overcome more struggles. I would and will have enjoyed many many happy moments. I think the only thing I can do is live in the present, remember the past, and hope for the best future ever. In the end, none of us really know what is out there for us. No one really knows how our story will go, or how it will end.